What are we really looking for?

Dear (unnamed),

Now I’m not one of those women who believes all men are evil, cheaters, despicable, untrustworthy, liars…need I go on? My father is amazing, and if my mother could be so lucky to find a great man, I like my chances. Aaah, there I go with the luck thing. I did not mean to bring that in. Not in the sense that some will take it in. When I say lucky, I’m just referring to general fortune in life and finding the person who complements you. I’m not implying that there’s some sort of lottery system to finding the “right” man. I don’t ascribe to that belief. Now, back to my main point. I could make a list of all the qualities I want in a man, but it’d be the same as me making a list of qualities I want to find in the ideal me. Pointless. Yes, it’s something to work toward, but learning to accept myself “flaws and all” was the turning point in my young adulthood. So I feel as though, if I am able to accept my own neuroticism, (mild) narcissism, etc, and expect someone else to, then I should anticipate having to accept someone else’s flaws. After all, no one is perfect.

For me, the tension lies in accepting physical flaws. I cross off numerous men because of their height, their teeth not being straight enough, their haircut looked weird one day, they have a bump in their nose…and the list goes on. Very few make it past the physical flaw test, and even when they do, I complain because they either text too much, don’t text enough, keep calling me, buy me flowers, smile too much, treat me too nicely…and this list goes on too. I must say that I am not revealing my quirkiest rationales for ex-ing someone, probably because writing them out will make me look even more ridiculous. I know I have commitment issues. I’ve realized that it’s the only way to rationalize my completely irrational excuses.

But where does it stem from? Why do I resist the urge to form a close bond with anyone? To let anyone in? My close friends know me, but oftentimes I feel as though they don’t know the real me. As if I know who the real me is… Maybe that is the true issue at hand. I keep failing to define and see what I am looking for in a man, because I do not really know who I am. I’ve accepted a certain state of being for myself. Allowing it to qualify as being the real me. The façade of the real me. How could I possibly ever find the one who will complement me the rest of my life, when the life I live may not even be complementing the real me? What am I really looking for?

xoxo

Creative Commons License
This work by bellereveur.com is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

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