What is this feeling?
Here you are again. I thought we were done. But here you are creeping up on me. Making me reflect on things I’ve done in the past. Making me feel you. I really do not have time for this right now. But you have come and you’ve sucked away my positive energy. My good vibes. My smile. I know what I have to do to get rid of you, but that’s a long process that I do not feel like dealing with right now. I want to box that stuff away. Hide it until next year, but I cannot. I have to listen to your sweet whispers which lull me in and make me feel like…that indescribable feeling. I know precisely what the feeling is, but if I write it then I’m admitting that you really are here. And I do not want to do that.
But why are you here now? I must say, it really is pointless for you to just pop in like this. Okay, not pointless, because you do have a way of giving me a sense of clarity when you leave. That same sense that I’m severely lacking at this very moment. There are too many things running through my mind. Too many things. “Shoulda. Woulda. Coulda.” I’ll reluctantly play your game and give in to that feeling. The angst.
I guess I should be stereotypical and say “if I could go back in time, I would’ve done…” but I won’t. I knew precisely what I was doing. And this feeling, this angst, is the consequence. You attempted to slip in right after everything was done, but I told you that you were not welcome. I will not call it a mistake because I knew what I was doing. I had convinced myself and told you that I wanted to be “free” and “open”, even though my actions were completely out of character. So you left, probably because you knew I’d do it again, and then you could sneak in and make me feel you even stronger. I want to make a deal with you to never have to see you again, but you tend to be just as stubborn as I am, so what’s the point? Come in, just don’t expect to stay too long.
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