What do you do when there’s no sexual tension?

Dear Sexperts,

What do you do when there’s no sexual tension? I’m not sure that sexual tension is one of those things you can just create out of thin air. I used to think it was 95% based on physical attraction and body language. But then I had an intellectual crush on someone. If you’ve never had one then you wouldn’t understand how enticing it is to have someone take you to another level mentally. Nonetheless, I never acted on my intellectual crush because I convinced myself that while I was intellectually attracted to him, he would not be able to satisfy my “appetite.” So I guess it is possible to have sexual tension with someone whom you may not necessarily/predominantly find physically attractive, but I’m less inclined to act on it if I cannot detect some sort of physical prowess. I guess I should define “act” as taking a relationship to a physical level with the baseline being kissing. After all anyone can hug, though there are varying degrees of hugs…

Getting back to the topic at hand, if you’re dating someone and there’s no sexual tension, should you just end things? Or are you supposed to wait for it to develop? Or do you get physical with the person in the hopes that it will develop? Does the fact that there’s no sexual tension mean you’re just not that into that person? While I do not believe that a relationship should be based purely on sex, I feel like sexual tension (at some level) is necessary. If there’s no sexual tension, then aren’t you basically “just friends” with the person? The sexual tension creates your desire for the other person, and whether or not you decide to wait until the end of the night, apply the “3 month rule,” or wait until you’re married, you’re still desiring the other person and wanting to connect on a physical level, right? Now I realize that one person can feel sexual tension while the other person feels nothing at all, even though that seems counterintuitive to me—aren’t two separate forces required for tension to develop? But I feel as though that situation usually only occurs in the context of a crush. In the dating realm, that just seems like an unhappy situation where one person is going to end up disappointed.

Personally, if I don’t feel any sexual tension then I’m bored. And when I’m bored, it’s time to say “arrivederci!” and move on to the next. However, this year I told myself that I would work on not getting bored so quickly. But I cannot help but wonder if that means wasting my time waiting for sexual tension that’ll never get here…


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  1. I agree!!! I get bored awfully quickly when there’s no tension. The anticipation and the buildup is one of the best parts, especially in a new relationship. I think it can develop over time, but for me at least, it developed after I was “just friends” with the person first.

    • Thanks for the comment! I think I’m just too impatient to wait too long for it to develop…lol.

  2. Yes, it does get boring without the sexual tension. It’s exhilarating to fantasize, take in their colonge, and feel all tingly inside when they’re around. Greatest feeling ever! I’ve been attracted to a man’s intellect and I tried to take things to another level with him but I couldn’t. My va jay jay wouldn’t let me. LOL!

  3. anon

    My long-distance boyfriend is my best friend and has been for almost three years, but after we started our (long anticipated) relationship, I realized that maybe it was better unexplored. I love the kid, but sexually he does nothing for me. The sad part is I dont get to see him but every couple of months, and he’s always so happy… and sexually satisfied! I guess the tension exists for him. :/

    • Thanks for the comment. That’s interesting! Though I’m wondering if you are pretending to be sexually satisfied by him to make him happy…

  4. shawty

    Sexual satisfaction is primarily in your frame of mind entering the bedroom. One should always take time to look within.

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