Table for One?
They say rainy weather is perfect hookup weather. Maybe that can partially explain why I’m feeling this way. It’s been raining every day this week. Dear New York: I’m over the cloudy skies and steady rain. Now I’m not a random hookup kind of girl. I don’t even consider myself one who loves to cuddle. But looking out of my windows at the rain painting the world around me makes me kind of want someone here on the other side of my bed. The problem is I don’t know which someone I want. When you feel alone, aren’t you supposed to know who you want there beside you? A year ago, I probably would’ve wanted Guy B or the One Who Must Not be Named here. But right now, at this very moment, I don’t want either of them.
I saw the One when I went to visit my family last weekend and it just reaffirmed the fact that while I do love him, I’m no longer in love with him and there is no future for the two of us (despite what my family may think). There’s no negative energy between the two of us, which just makes it all the more clear that letting go was the right thing to do. I feel like it’s easy (and common) for girls to say “it’s over” when there are bad feelings involved. I think it gives girls a slight sense of power for them to say something’s over when they’ve been hurt.
Getting back to my point…whatever my point may be. Though I feel alone, I honestly don’t think I really want anyone here right now. It would just temporarily mask how I’m feeling. I guess I should explicitly say that I feel alone and not lonely, and yes there is a difference. I’m not even sure if feeling alone is a bad thing. I suppose I should embrace it since I’ll be relocating (all by my lonesome) to another city in a few months. And all of the people I’ve grown so fond of here in NYC will not be there with me (no matter how much we say we’ll keep in touch now). I guess it doesn’t matter if they’re physically there with me or not since lately I feel alone in a room full of people. Don’t get me wrong, I do not feel ignored or neglected by the people in my life. I just feel as though I’m not there. Instead I’m off in my own mind wondering if any of these crucial decisions I’m forced to make at 23 will get me to where I need to be.
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